It's a bright day, the sky is really blue, the sun is shining yet it is still cold and no leaves on the trees yet.
The first sign of spring. A hopeful time.
And yet it takes me back vividly to the time I was in an acute psychiatric unit. This weather reminds me of the early morning cigarette in the garden. A time when all hope was lost.
The need for nicotine forced me out of my room. I was scared, I was surround by scary people. I found a corner away from the emerging patients in pyjamas with mugs of coffee to have their fags, I would never offend or hurt so I listened when they spoke.
Over the days I got to know them. They got to know me, I learnt their histories and I met their unwavering supportive families. I learned of the pain they had endured, and I got to know those who where damaged and broken beyond repair.
I was one of them. My default position is to be the capable one, but I was one of the people who's mind needed a rest, one of the people who up until this point had bared all things with strength and self belief.
Now I look through the doors of the Mental Health unit I see the teacher who could bare no more bullying. The hospice nurse who could bare no more death other than her own. The farmer who took a shotgun out on his cows because of milk pricing. The 50 something who enjoyed the 70s drug scene so much it addled him. The man who was knocked down at 19 and now in his 30s and having MH issues no one knows what to do with him. The lady who has had a breakdown during menopause (surprisingly common)
The lady who is very well to do, and has BiPolar, returning from day release with 6 new handbags. (she's been awake 2 days).
And to the 3 soldiers, you are beautiful people.
Due to my own experience I encountered MH and have formed new opinions. Correct opinions.
But I can still clearly see how outsiders see it.
What I cannot understand is the amount of staff who work in this environment everyday only see these patients as nutters queuing for our meds as requested at 10 o'clock sharp, Please don't ignore us as if we aren't there?
Please don't Tut and say 'silly girl' in front of everyone, she is only 17 and she cut herself because of her pain, don't tell the young girl who suffered horrific sexual abuse by her own family to just swallow the pills and stop being g stupid.
And finally if I ask for someone to talk too after a suicide attempt please don't ever tell me that if I was going to do it I would have done it by now..that one is red rag and bull material right there!
Just look up, smile and ask me how I am today?
